9 months, nearly, since that stroke last Easter I'm lucky I can walk, I know I had to keep trying... to pick up my coffee cup even without using my left hand, or the straw...
I do know that Spring of 2014 was tough on me, lot's of respiratory nasty's... in fact I was fighting for my life (again), had a bad "cold" after the third round of chemo that felt like blurs of scenes from early Rocky movies when he just keeps taking hit after.... March of 2011, I was in the throes of some kind Plutonian flu, they finally said, "it wasn't H1N1", in fact whatever it WAS is gone!!! But they did treat me for walking pnumonia (I wasn't hardly walking but I wasn't down all the way) gave me some kick ASS antibiotics (6), count 'em, 6, take 2 Now!!! and 1 every day until gone. Okay, I did that as directed and used the inhaler judiciously, when needed, and within days I was walking outside 1/8 mile each way, on Burke Gilman Trail until I was able to walk to Bothell and back (6 miles) just to check my mail, but I built some strength back, just in time. I remember having those strange pains that kept moving around, a few days in the shoulder and a couple days in your hip, and then nothing and then ow, shit, why does that hurt. I didn't do anything .... damn, but I had work to do, so to speak, and in May I took the train through Oregon down to Northern California to visit my family. I think I arrived before Memorial Day, and I had found that my dad's next older sister, my aunt, had been treated for breast cancer (of some kind, rather small, and seemed to have gotten it all early), but that it had metastasized to her bones didn't anybody tell her it was stage 3 when they treated her - oh sorry.... she had about 4 months left then and she did the best she could. Yeah, she lived a fair long life by human life spans and she had some good years for all that. I'm very glad I got to see her again, I had to return to Washington, well I didn't know yet what was before me. I think of being outside that whole summer and the work on the house we did, you clearly needed help, you had the 4th of July plumbing disaster when all that old iron pipe began to breakdown. The corrosion on the inside is one thing, it's only rated for 50 years from installation, yet it went for 40 more? The dust we raised and the plaster hauled out, I know we found deposits of a black oily substance in bizarre (completely normal when you think about it) places like the inside of a door knob. Yes, and the dust we inhaled and all of this under a bright sunny jetstream enriched summer sky. Amazing.
And the various odd cleanup and re-install tasks went on into the fall (my aunt had passed in September) and I went to have a sandwich on a Sunday night and I bit a piece of "something" in the salami which cracked a tooth that had rotted hollow. I've had a life of tooth trouble and that may well be another symptom. I endured for a month or so more but an infection was setting and I knew I was in trouble with that. Finally we found a local clinic that would see me on a cash basis at a discount. I just wanted antibiotics and an extraction. Cheapest way to go: get 'em out. I had lost many a good tooth that way... I know better than to ask for pain pills, I knew what I needed and I wasn't messing around. They know the scams for drugs and I wasn't playing one. But they insisted I see the M.D. be cause my blood pressure was too high. Well I knew that too, just wasn't worried. I had been on meds to control it before but I became unemployed and houseless, but again no insurance for consistent medical work. I knew I didn't want any of the crap they often foist on you, seen too many people die of being on too many... just watch their ads. Oh it's all pretty harmless.
So I got my blood pressure down and the teeth out (YAY) and just recovering from all that and trying to get my strength and appetite back (once again). Organic as much as possible. Started at the gym with a friend, eating lean, fruits, veggies, keep your water up. My wind was good, going farther on the tread, and getting stronger on the weights. Sitting there that night, such a long way back now, having a drink and meditating, reach up to run my fingers through my beard, and ..... what's this?
Friday, January 16, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Sarcasm is my middle name.... no really, it's the only way to state something uncomfortable...
in a humorous way. Really, I gave up screaming from the rooftops when I was a Christian. It doesn't matter (a line that repeats often in my vernacular I've observed), really doesn't matter if you're wrong or right, they just don't want to hear it. Seriously, if you want to know, well, you know where to "google." Besides, between the respiratory shit and the chemo, etc. knocking the shit out of me, it just ain't hardly worth it. Yes, there is a compassionate difference between suicide and euthanasia, like that woman in Oregon, who wants to wait for the brain cancer to cancel out your memories?
I get tired of hearing the lies repeated back at me like I just didn't get the manual, oh I got it, and I chose to reject it. Especially the part about you've gotta have a career and be a "success" in order to bolster the illusion that the system works. We make all kinds of excuses about progress and how hard life would be if it wasn't for.... all those things the bill will come due for. We've been living on borrowed (stolen) time. The clock was ticking before we were born, we, like our children, inherited and continued living on the debt, and the trickle-down wonder bread and margarine that barely keep us alive 12 ways...
Yeah... "we love our dead," got no use for the living, only good hostage is a live one. Fear is the commodity, fear is the stock in trade. Reality is nothing. Fear is Power. We all start to be afraid at an early age, little by little (sometimes A LOT), until it's bigger than we are and rules us and all we do. I made choices based on fear and anxiety relief rather than desire or drive or even a reason. So you chose a path did you? Was it a good idea or because of the fear you weren't "good enough" to be what you really wanted. Was that even an option? Well, the money is okay....
I thought I dropped out at 17, I probably didn't drop far enough even though I nearly bit it later, by my own stupidity, I became snared by the system. There were some paths I didn't take, might have made a difference.... so 40 years later I'm still in the system, only now I am a statistic and we track the data. Maybe we'll learn something.... I keep hoping that these brilliant young minds out there will think of something to save them (never mind Us), I lived my life dying inside, lucky to still be alive now... my heart is rent for the dogs and the butterflies...
I get tired of hearing the lies repeated back at me like I just didn't get the manual, oh I got it, and I chose to reject it. Especially the part about you've gotta have a career and be a "success" in order to bolster the illusion that the system works. We make all kinds of excuses about progress and how hard life would be if it wasn't for.... all those things the bill will come due for. We've been living on borrowed (stolen) time. The clock was ticking before we were born, we, like our children, inherited and continued living on the debt, and the trickle-down wonder bread and margarine that barely keep us alive 12 ways...
Yeah... "we love our dead," got no use for the living, only good hostage is a live one. Fear is the commodity, fear is the stock in trade. Reality is nothing. Fear is Power. We all start to be afraid at an early age, little by little (sometimes A LOT), until it's bigger than we are and rules us and all we do. I made choices based on fear and anxiety relief rather than desire or drive or even a reason. So you chose a path did you? Was it a good idea or because of the fear you weren't "good enough" to be what you really wanted. Was that even an option? Well, the money is okay....
I thought I dropped out at 17, I probably didn't drop far enough even though I nearly bit it later, by my own stupidity, I became snared by the system. There were some paths I didn't take, might have made a difference.... so 40 years later I'm still in the system, only now I am a statistic and we track the data. Maybe we'll learn something.... I keep hoping that these brilliant young minds out there will think of something to save them (never mind Us), I lived my life dying inside, lucky to still be alive now... my heart is rent for the dogs and the butterflies...
Hahahahahahaha, yeah pc of shit I am.....
Yeah, I'd like to keep it all light and fluffy friends (or enemies), but much as I say, "the truth will out," it isn't gonna save me the trouble of being the Bad Guy. Yeah, I smoke some weed, and I drink some drink, sometimes herbal tea just isn't gonna do it. Watch while the mystery flu makes it's rounds... and do I believe that's all it is? No, but I'd just hear about metaphorical bananas, have another banana folks, yeah, and a tuna sandwich!
Yeah, I have survived Mantle Cell Lymphoma, was Stage 4 when I went in. Hope? I didn't even know I was "sick," oh I'd had walking pneumonia the week Fukushima went off, so I probably got fallout fried during my daily walks of recovery and all the summer weeks of work I was doing, and I had started at the gym the early spring I found the lump. By the time all the diagnostic steps were taken to identify the exact type, it had grown and spread through my organs and lymphatic system. There were 3 recipes I could choose from, it was up to me. Oh, I had 0 assets, nada, nuthin, I was homeless and destitute. Nothing like nothing to lose but your life. Guess you could say I wasn't paying attention, but isn't that the way?
So I had a genetic tendency? Not from my family, not THAT kind anyway... but who would even believe that being born in the Bay Area of California would be risky... at that time (post war years), people were getting jobs and having babies. Hmmmm, that was the year of Bikini Atoll... naaaa that couldn't have- (My grandmother died of cancer -spinal myleoma?- and her sisters all of the same... my aunt of bone cancer metastasized, and on and on, friends who should have outlived me)...
Boy do I love salmon, just like the Orca, is like chocolate- yum yum. No I didn't lose my hippie-ass hair, or the beard I could never grow before, because I chose the right recipe, but it might have been the wrong one and let the cancer live. Fate, following my instinct and the unconscious advise of a few human angels I SKIPPED the stem-cell transplant routine. Well, that DR. said I didn't have to, in fact it was BETTER if I didn't do it. So, the odds they give me are 5/50 - like those? It means 50% of those who receive treatment (traditional treatment R-chop and a SCT) live up to 5 years. Well, I took the other treatment and skipped the sct so... I may live longer? Who knows, but the sad part is that it won't really matter. Sound "fatalistic?" Hey - we're all gonna die, right? Just a matter of when and how....
How, or why. That all gets mixed up in the accumulated conglomerate, like a red tide of noxious nucleic isotopes that can't be singled out of the firing squad, there is no way to single out the smoking gun. Still it won't matter, there is no safe place to run. Live your life. Enjoy what you have if you have it. Enjoy what you do if you do it, because it will all be gone. If the real truth is as bad as my early childhood studies of nuclear physics tells me... well, kids it's been.... life.
(to be continued)
How, or why. That all gets mixed up in the accumulated conglomerate, like a red tide of noxious nucleic isotopes that can't be singled out of the firing squad, there is no way to single out the smoking gun. Still it won't matter, there is no safe place to run. Live your life. Enjoy what you have if you have it. Enjoy what you do if you do it, because it will all be gone. If the real truth is as bad as my early childhood studies of nuclear physics tells me... well, kids it's been.... life.
(to be continued)
Friday, January 2, 2015
Hello Blogworld..... Happy New Year!!!
One of my "resolutions" (if one is required to have) was to write more here. Without much delay, since there is no time like the present to get it going. ...so I am making an effort to catch up, like publishing the previous draft with only minor updates. Man, I was up to my elbows in every industrial chemical generally used in automotive, construction, wood-working, landscaping, cooking, and house and yard care. I've worked in food service, cook and baker, janitorial maintenance, and gas station attendant. Virtually a human gyre of toxic pollutants, questionable food products, and general-course-of-modern-life exposure to everything post-war industrialized America. I think it is safe to say that with all those warning labels the question would have been how could I not have contracted some disease. I mean really, a veritable walking petri dish of environmental contaminants. However I suggest very strongly not "trying this at home." It took me 50 years to accumulate this miasma of volatiles and at that you might measure way ahead of me even if you are half my age.
Still, I think the stroke I had last April was left-over from the chemo-recovery process, I am still glad I passed on the opportunity to get a stem-cell transplant. I have my own theories about how that works, and in many ways at least as valid as anybody else's theory. No, I'm not going to explore that HERE.... too long to get into. But, I'm alive and yes the dizzy did pass, then the string of colds (respiratory stuff... yeech), and the stroke. Fortunately, the debilitating side-effects were not long lasting, and my steady recovery continues. I saw Dr. Emily (my pcp) for a New Years Eve checkup, she says my heart sounds good, my bp was 115 over 70 (phenomenal), and I see her again at the end of June. Seems a long way off.... 3 maintenance infusions (for life they tell me) before then (60 day cycle) of Rituxin (not a chemo, it targets specific cancer cells - this is the PacMan occupying force) and they keep track of my blood work and other vitals as I continue my program of self-care (seriously), doing my part toward my continued longevity.
Why yes, I do have a purpose in Life, thanks so much, and I find that is of Top Importance! To know with some certainty that I have a reason for living (even if I'm the only one who cares) is the Major Factor in why I continue to waken every morning. That is a vitality there is no pill for, in fact it isn't a thing! You can't buy it, you can't sell it, and in fact, it is so elusive you can't even find it!
(to be continued....)
Still, I think the stroke I had last April was left-over from the chemo-recovery process, I am still glad I passed on the opportunity to get a stem-cell transplant. I have my own theories about how that works, and in many ways at least as valid as anybody else's theory. No, I'm not going to explore that HERE.... too long to get into. But, I'm alive and yes the dizzy did pass, then the string of colds (respiratory stuff... yeech), and the stroke. Fortunately, the debilitating side-effects were not long lasting, and my steady recovery continues. I saw Dr. Emily (my pcp) for a New Years Eve checkup, she says my heart sounds good, my bp was 115 over 70 (phenomenal), and I see her again at the end of June. Seems a long way off.... 3 maintenance infusions (for life they tell me) before then (60 day cycle) of Rituxin (not a chemo, it targets specific cancer cells - this is the PacMan occupying force) and they keep track of my blood work and other vitals as I continue my program of self-care (seriously), doing my part toward my continued longevity.
Why yes, I do have a purpose in Life, thanks so much, and I find that is of Top Importance! To know with some certainty that I have a reason for living (even if I'm the only one who cares) is the Major Factor in why I continue to waken every morning. That is a vitality there is no pill for, in fact it isn't a thing! You can't buy it, you can't sell it, and in fact, it is so elusive you can't even find it!
(to be continued....)
There are things I cannot eat anymore....
...cancer can change the way you think, or at least it can make the focus more clear. There is this international awareness of Genetically Engineered Organisms (GMO), and I need to address that as it has much to do with the subject of this blog.
When you get sick there is a great deal of reflection concerning how that happened. Is it something I did? Didn't do? Was I merely in the wrong place, or is there no provable connection to a cause ? Was I born with those genes involved, or was it a foreign mutagen?
I joke that I gave up fast food because I didn't wanna get cancer... but that ain't all of it. No it goes far beyond a simple factor of "tobacco use may lead to lung or other cancers," something easier to control. Oooops, exposure to 2nd hand smoke, a bigger cause than previously thought. How many times have we heard that: "Ooops we didn't think that through..." Well, hell, are you gonna trust that kind of science? How about researchers being paid to ignore detrimental findings? Oh, that would never happen in the good ole USA! Remember folks, this is business, and ethics go right out the window along with flimsy morals and any kind of social conscience where profits are concerned.
So I'm finding some things, and although I would like to believe what I see in so-called scientific journals, my experience tells me that such findings can be just as tainted by conflict of interest (or more so) as any "anecdotal" hypotheses. Our rule of Justice in this country has been one of proof, and reasonable doubt. GMO's and the companies involved in the research and manufacture have been accused of hiding the truth about their products rather than coming out in the open. Well, it is not right to block unbiased research and then build your defense on the lack of proof. Let me put it this way, you don't have to be psychic, your common sense will tell you when you smell a rat it's likely you have a rodent problem.
But... ya know, I don't worry none about any of that, nahhh, in fact, I probably don't even care! Not any more. I say the truth will out in time.... Hey "Transfats" are no longer "generally considered safe" so who could know? I mean, I read the European studies from the 1950's and yet I was raised on Wonder bread and Imperial margarine.... it's a good thing we had church pot luck socials and I don't think we ever missed one. There were a few families and the "church ladies" didn't mind having someone finish their jello-salad and tuna casserole. Yet, even then I was 120 lbs. soaking wet, fully dressed, at the age of 20. No, this is not a scientific study, there were many random factors involved, mostly me. I don't know for sure how I lived to see 30, but that is another book.....
When you get sick there is a great deal of reflection concerning how that happened. Is it something I did? Didn't do? Was I merely in the wrong place, or is there no provable connection to a cause ? Was I born with those genes involved, or was it a foreign mutagen?
I joke that I gave up fast food because I didn't wanna get cancer... but that ain't all of it. No it goes far beyond a simple factor of "tobacco use may lead to lung or other cancers," something easier to control. Oooops, exposure to 2nd hand smoke, a bigger cause than previously thought. How many times have we heard that: "Ooops we didn't think that through..." Well, hell, are you gonna trust that kind of science? How about researchers being paid to ignore detrimental findings? Oh, that would never happen in the good ole USA! Remember folks, this is business, and ethics go right out the window along with flimsy morals and any kind of social conscience where profits are concerned.
So I'm finding some things, and although I would like to believe what I see in so-called scientific journals, my experience tells me that such findings can be just as tainted by conflict of interest (or more so) as any "anecdotal" hypotheses. Our rule of Justice in this country has been one of proof, and reasonable doubt. GMO's and the companies involved in the research and manufacture have been accused of hiding the truth about their products rather than coming out in the open. Well, it is not right to block unbiased research and then build your defense on the lack of proof. Let me put it this way, you don't have to be psychic, your common sense will tell you when you smell a rat it's likely you have a rodent problem.
But... ya know, I don't worry none about any of that, nahhh, in fact, I probably don't even care! Not any more. I say the truth will out in time.... Hey "Transfats" are no longer "generally considered safe" so who could know? I mean, I read the European studies from the 1950's and yet I was raised on Wonder bread and Imperial margarine.... it's a good thing we had church pot luck socials and I don't think we ever missed one. There were a few families and the "church ladies" didn't mind having someone finish their jello-salad and tuna casserole. Yet, even then I was 120 lbs. soaking wet, fully dressed, at the age of 20. No, this is not a scientific study, there were many random factors involved, mostly me. I don't know for sure how I lived to see 30, but that is another book.....
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