...as I was saying; uh, what was I saying?

PET/CT imaging revealed changes in metabolism in brain regions involved in long-term memory, mental agility, decision making, problem solving, and prioritizing.

http://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20121129/chemo-brain-real

http://video.msnbc.msn.com/nightly-news/49986490/#49986490
http://youtu.be/cEDRVueEYp0
Bendamustine video
Oh yeah, that I set myself one goal per day. I may manage to accomplish more than that, in that case it's all gravy. Oh yeah, that I am trying to keep my weight and more importantly my health; up! It also depends I have found on which SIDE of my brain is being called upon. For instance, if it takes focus and computations, and rigid definitions then it must be a left brain function, and well, my left brain cannot always accomplish what the right brain may recall was on the agenda at the time the left brain is not being distracted by what the right brain is thinking of.... did that make sense?

Still I keep trying: I will see if any of these links work the way I like and if not-

12-13-12 .... and the arrival of the

Holly King! Smiles and cheer and a cornucopia of satsuma oranges bringing light to the dark lands and some smiles to  8 South East, the infusion suites at UW Med Center. Could see the mountains outside to the East and the sun shone below the cloud line and highlighted the new snow, with the few trees that had not been wind stripped of their autumn finery floating in the foggy foreground.

Yeah, I'm back again. I wonder each time... and I never quite know what to expect, but so far I tolerate the process well, and thanks to the love and support of those around me I am able to get through it although I am now starting to notice a pattern. It is hard to describe how it feels to know that this stuff that is not your blood is being mixed so that it will travel throughout the body. Completely. Of course that's the point, there are even things to help make the patient feel stronger while this is happening. I knew for the last 2 that I probably had like 2 days before effects kick in... well, and Saturday was it too. Wonderful to see those who came out for my survival/birthday party. I have survived 58 years, and that is with the humility of knowing that it is not by my own hand that I live. Someday I may recount the times (while I yet remember) that I have seen the scythe of the reaper flash by my nose.

Where was I....? It is now Friday the 21st of December 2012, the world still turns as it always has since any of us can recall, and it is sunset now which in more ancient times was the end of the day. The last 5 days have been more of a blur for me, not really able to rise before noon, and yet tired all day, and being asleep by midnight as though I had been training for the next marathon. Sometimes it seems as if I am running in sand... 

...wait a minute, what was I gonna do? I do try to keep up with life and what's happening, actually it is quite disturbing most of the time. Keeping it simple is easier than it sounds when you start counting your energy nickles and they don't go as far as they used. I am told I need to focus my strength on getting well, yet I feel it slipping by, I hope it doesn't take too long.

...the real meaning of love.

Just a thought provoking thought, thought by someone else about a thought that is in some way important to us all and was given to me by this someone else who had this thought and put it to music. Yes it is bigger than it looks. Seems like a small thought but again looks can be deceiving.

I have my 3rd Round of chemo treatment tomorrow, part one (anyone like the date, 12/12/12?) It's suppose to be a good number, so I take my charms where I may find them and we all hope for the best in life in our own way. That often does not mean the same to all persons and is probably the root cause for many ancient and modern conflicts. Finding someone with whom you share demonstrably similar meanings is the rare trick, so to speak.

I can feel a part of me that is saying, "you gonna do that again?" I answer back,"they say we're winning the fight, and we ain't as damaged as we might have been..." The location of the mass that showed itself last April has reduced since the treatments began, and my blood seems to be good stuff. Lot's of red and white cells doing their jobs and my job is to feed myself and keep my nutrition up. I am told my weight is stable, and everything else seems fine, even to my eyes. I just feel... ehn. It must be the grey days, and inhabitants of this city all know or have heard tales of the "ehn." This is the equivalent of "meh," but with far less conviction while requiring far more commitment.

This thing with the so-called "holidays," can we lose the canned, badly played 5th rate winter scenes muzak? really?  this stuff was as bad as 10 year old unwrapped fruit cake, which I have heard has some previously unrecognized industrial properties, including a tax-deductible storage container for nuclear waste. Could be someone is pulling my maraschino cherries. I will be okay, like almost normal for a couple of days after the infusions, the benedryl and the steroids make one feel stronger. Then... well we will see what Sunday brings besides me being a year older and another hangover, of the chem-cocktail kind.

Beached, under a rock, one flipper reaching...

...skyward as though some invisible hand might dangle remotely within grasp, part of a dream perhaps like the rabbit hole of a thought becoming a motion, then motion becoming movement. Take a breath, ok, now what? Get up.

... and so on, ho hum, not much to do under a rock. Well, if you get up and make coffee you can wait until you smell it-

Right, take a med. Lay down. sometimes the fog rolls in like a spooky night in Old San Francisco, almost like it never left, or like you never did. What was I doing-

Sleep is preferable to misery, the meds don't make you, fatigue comes from that quiet battle in your body. The nausea would wake one, does if I let it go too long-

Coffee! Oh, ok, here I go... well it's not always that easy (haha) but it puts in a nutshell the general story of the past 2 weeks. I seem to take things alright the first couple of days after a Round (only 2 so far), by Sunday I am wiped, and the fog rolls in-

I did make it to a Thanksgiving Feast which, gratefully, I was not in charge of cooking. I can usually turn out a meal of nearly edible vittles but lately the spark has been low, the results dubious and unpredictable, and my interest in food in general; well it isn't that I don't like food, and at times when I DO get hungry I eat a fair amount, just getting to that is a challenge. Yeah, I make myself eat, sure is less of a struggle if it cooks quick, the prep is low, and the results not too surprising.

 That's about my speed these days, I get this query from the waitress... you know, "how would you like your eggs?" Several years ago I got a bit bored with questions like "do you want regular fries or seasoned fries with that?" and the usual "paper or plastic today sir?"

Me? I'm down with why do I have to think about that - are you kidding me - just give me a bag that will get my sh- home with out losing it and I'll be quite happy... so. Eggs? Alright I stopped short of answering "cooked." I do not intend to be rude, and I am even careful with some as a sense of humor is mandatory:

"Surprise me..." 

I mean it, within reason please, nothing that is not normally on the menu, in the range of sunny-side over-easy-medium-hard scrambled poached boiled Benedict. It just hit me one morning that by the time I had chosen sausage over bacon, pancakes over waffle and hashbrowns over toast just bring me the coffee with the creamer I am done with the pre-breakfast decision making.

How do I want my eggs? Like I said I really appreciate that most enjoy the levity. Slow night, and this funny long-haired bearded guy says "surprise me."  Kind of like the search engine question "do you feel lucky?" Well, I have truly been lucky I am sure! 

I have heard from an old friend or 2 lately for which I am thankful and happy. It is great to hear from and see current and new friends when I can. There is a health aspect to socializing in the right amounts and environments. I am going to see the Hobbit on my birthday, which following the Trilogy should be the best version yet. Great fun, just before going back under that rock... well, I may not encounter that same under-seascape again, perhaps I'll get lucky.