candle spinning out of control or one of those little wigglers that shoot off in clusters of tail-spins curling into the smoky night... which I said to my friend the other night in mid-sentence as I literally watched the thought disappear like disappearing ink or the picture of Marty in Back to the Future only there's no way to grab it as it flutters off the Eiffel Tower like a $100 bill suddenly and irretrievably leaves your grasp in a sigh like the impulse of a shadow of a feeling of a dream... when you regain consciousness and the dream state is an illusion about a desire to make a point about whatever it was you were discussing a moment ago as if it made any difference at all being of absolutely no consequence even if I could think of it.
Yeah, I had a tough time last week, and then I was offline for a few days over New Year... and the previous page did not turn out as I expected, and my attention is now here in the future where it belongs. I tried focusing on the present but I couldn't keep up, if I can't smell it coming the present is past before you knew it was here. Life goes by fast enough already, and sometimes it is just still as a pond in the summer, except for the constant buzzing of the June flies in the background.
Usually Dr. Eddie gets to see me when I am getting back up again, and of course that's the point- if I were not recovering or maintaining vitality it would indicate a problem. My nutripines (?) and other blood numbers are good I hear so it seems to be working, and the tumor that tried to kill me is receding, but another CT scan and they'll have another picture and then some more infusing... I get to have some laughs with him and that is a great thing to me, I dig it.
I had breakfast at 2pm today because I finally got myself over to the cafe and this time I had it in my head cos I know the menu, and they have a 222 which is 2 pancakes eggs, bacon... coffee, cream. So I start reading the menu and it all sounds good but I know I can't get a breakfast steak down, nahhh, better just get the 222, besides the clock on the microwave said 2:22 when I left. How Prophetic? I didn't get a picture, sorry, it was too dark, and it took me about a hour to get it down. The Seahawks were playing the Redskins on tv (why the bar was full and I was the only diner) and by the 3rd quarter the Seahawks were winning but it seemed like the people were cheering when I would take a bite. Quite an encouraging hallucination. The flavor is fine, and food is good, but there seems to be other obstacles to eating. Cooking is one; I have always loved to cook, however in some ways it is failing me now. Sometimes I lose interest by the time I have finished the process, am feeling fatigued, and have probably botched the simplest of recipes. Lucky if I don't burn my grilled cheese on both sides, or explode my instant whole grain oatmeal in the microwave (fun mess).
Still, we survived the Holidays and now that some semblance of stability has returned to Squeaky Hollow I can't help but notice that my world seems to have ...
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