Hematology, the big meeting.

This was of course the installment that we all were waiting for (me, my friends, family) after the full body CT scan, the doctors would reveal themselves and I, the participating patient might actually get the full rundown on what it was that one had.

Up until now it was merely assumed among us laymen that it was cancer of some kind, what kind and how bad remained to be discovered. In fact there was one more little procedure that would tell the whole tale. The bone marrow biopsy. "Easy," he said, "I've done a hundred of them." That's Doctor Marzbani, a charming fellow who says he doesn't see me as "old."

One might have wondered by now why I chose to name this blog "anxiety as a motivational principle" well; it was one of those thoughts that came out because I know a number of people who suffer from various degrees of anxiety. Not without reason mind you, this is no "cosmic" paranoia, but based on joblessness, or fears concerning survival and the well-being of families, a desire to be productive in spite of health issues that prevent consistent gainful employment. Some things you can do for a short while, but a 40 hour week, after week after week, the body can no longer take that the way it once did and if you can't hide it eventually you're fired. Anxiety. It is the fuel of the jungle. The leopard stalks, the antelope runs. That anxiety is the natural fear of the night. The sounds beyond the firelight, it motivates us to stand guard, to gather firewood early, to sharpen our spears, and our ears. That anxiety has expression and reason to move us for safety sake, yet now our efforts to help ourselves are frustrated and the tension builds, our sleep is broken, the calm shattered by fear of the unknown against which we cannot defend. Sometimes you find something is going for your throat, a bit brutal, but life nonetheless, Anxiety motivates one to action, to fight for survival becomes the foundational function. Where can you run or hide when the enemy is inside you, in fact it is disguised as you. I get to talk to the Oncology team today for my first post treatment consult. Round 1, so far so good.